So, apparently Microsoft Word lets you save documents as webpages, which saves me the hassle of having to type them out in Notepad, and also helps me with the formatting!

Take that photo on the right, for instance. It’s from the A&P in-store brand of sparkling grape juice. Now, it’s supposed to say “Made in Italy from Selected Grapes.” But you can’t make it out because my hands don’t stay steady long enough to take a photo. Still, I don’t know why it says that. That doesn’t make any sense. The adjective should be “select.” That implies some sort of high quality. “Selected” simply means that it they were chosen, possibly at random, by some shifty eye-talian looking to pawn off spoiled fruit on an unsuspecting “Mangia Cake!”

Am I using the language properly? Probably not. But I assume that’s the difference between the two words, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to have anyone correct me. There’s a reason why there’s no RSS feeds, comments sections, or e-mail links on this website. I don’t need people pointing out mistakes or continuity errors. Hell no. Go circle spelling mistakes in the Pennysaver and leave my fragile ego alone, you jackass!

I’ve been meaning to complain about Archie comics a lot lately. I read a lot of them, because they’re cheap impulse items I can pick up at the checkout line at the grocery store, and they make a pretty good mindless read. I just put a whole stack of them in a basket in my bathroom, and read them whenever I take a huge dump comb my hair. And there’s plenty to complain about. The entire premise of the comic book is so hokey it could have only come from the 1950s. Archie Andrews, the girl crazy star quarterback rock guitarist all American small town protagonist, who gets his choice of premium tail day in and day out, despite being ginger, penniless, and pretty damn stupid.

Let me flesh that out. Ginger women are beautiful creatures which have graced the earth because God wanted to give something back to the Irish, after all the rotten things he put them through. But he left the foul afterthought of Ginger men, so that people still knew who was in charge.

Go ahead. Go and Google a picture of Geri Hallwell, then look up Ron Howard. Good? Good.

So Archie Andrews is this super awesome everyman that everyone in Riverdale likes, for no apparent reason. And because of the fact that these comics are written by people more conservative than the Tea Party (or so I THOUGHT), he manages to juggle a half dozen women at the same time, and yet never get a single STD, or impregnate not one of them. Seriously, what’s he doing with them? Playing chess? (I’ve never met a woman my age who plays chess; it’s kind of a secret fetish…) And every issue, he either has to juggle between the blonde girl next door and the wealthy socialite, or plan a scheme to convince his equally inept principal to get in on some fad contest or do something moronic. Side panels are devoted to the big fat running back, Moose Mason, who’s overly protective of his girlfriend, and Jughead Jones, who ought to be retconned to weigh 450 pounds and have Type II Diabetes.

What pisses me off isn’t how stilted and old fashioned and lame it is. If that was the litmus test for something sucking, I would be in trouble pretty fierce. I listen to Baroque music and old clips from the Lawrence Welk show. No, it’s bad because the Archie people have taken this old stilted, shitty model, and tried to append it for 2011, by randomly throwing in stories about his “My-Pod,” or texting, or the internet, or someone in a wheelchair. It’s like when Pat Boone did a cover of “Crazy Train,” or Miles Davis decided to release a rap album. Embrace the fact that you’re old and useless. Quit trying to re-invent yourself, and let someone new carry on the mantle.

There’s so much patchwork that’s been done to this cheesy 50s model of white suburban American. For one thing, the editors of the comic found out in the 1970s, much to their surprise, that black people exist. I guess it’s an honest mistake. They were not, as previously suspected, stilted characters from folklore, like leprechauns and werewolves and the Welsh. Enter Chuck Clayton, seen right (source: Wikipedia.org), who apparently was introduced with typical black stereotypes, such as speaking in “hipster slang,” and being overly “philosophical.” I had no idea that these were black stereotypes, but apparently they are. And so to avoid offense, the editors chose to downplay these prejudiced traits, and instead make Chuck really good at basketball.

So, with this track record of being so socially progressive and forward thinking, what sort of brilliant ideas would we find next? A Hispanic kid who’s just like us? Maybe a Muslim kid who’s just like us? Or a Hispanic Muslim kid in a wheelchair who, despite being the new kid in Riverdale, is just as vacuous and stupid as everyone else?

Guess again! Introducing Kevin Kellar! Archie’s first ever gay friend. Gay of course, being universally accepted as the new Iberio-Islamic paraplegic!

Know what? I’m not even sure what else to say. We’ve already established that Archie comics are pandering and fucking stupid. Am I supposed to make some sort of rant about political correctness? No. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with having a gay character, except that you’re bandying him about to show how progressive and wise you are! The guy who conceived this character also decided that Archie should make out with the black chick from Josie and the Pussycats, because interracial mixing was another taboo topic in the comic book world. And it worked. That comic SOLD OUT. Apparently people are buying this, which just makes me wonder who they are. It was the first comic in their 69 year history to sell out, meaning that there were people who otherwise NEVER bought an Archie comic (or at least didn’t regularly buy one), who suddenly felt compelled because of this. What is the conversation that leads, or follows from this purchase?

“Hey, dood! Did you check out the new Archie comic this month?”
“Uh, no? I’m playing video games. What kind of a fucking loser still reads Archie comics?”
“Dood, the new Veronica #202 is at the grocery store, and there’s a new character that’s gay.”
“So?”
“So!? It’s really brave and courageous of them, knowing that they will sell hundreds of thousands of copies because of this. Also, he’s gonna get married in a future issue…TO A GUY!”
“You don’t say.”
“Well, if that doesn’t float your boat…in this other one, Archie is macking up a black chick.”
“No way!”
“Way!”
“That’s hot!”
“I know, right?”
“Wait…doesn’t Archie already date Betty and Veronica and Cheryl Blossom?”
“I guess so, why?”
“Iunno, I’m just sort of surprised he has any free time…or cash. And that he hasn’t caught Chlamydia. And that no father or pissed off jock in Riverdale has tried to beat the shit out of him for dating EVERY AVAILABLE GIRL. Also, did we hit puberty yet?” (they both check)
“It would appear so.”
“So again, why are you reading a fucking Archie comic? If interracial lovin’ excites you, you could always look for it on the internet, or you know…ask a black girl out on a date.”
“Not gonna work.”
“Why the Hell not?”
“Most women—black or otherwise—have an aversion to dating a grown man who reads Archie comics.”
”I’m glad you realize that too, buddy.”
“Suddenly I feel sad…”

I mean, sure, I OWN that particular issue with Josie and the Pussycats, but only because I buy a lot of these comics so that I can complain about them through each and every page, and bitch about them on my web—

Oh dear God.

Suddenly I feel sad, too.

Fortunately, I know what will cheer me up! The bright and sunny tunes of Black Sabbath! Take it away, Pat Boone!